Monday, July 21

mexico 2.0

^^best idea ever

^^until your husband says, "you ready?!" and before you can ask what for, he shoves you into a wave and you crash. and yes, all i could think of was to plug my nose. and with how much sand got EVERYWHERE, i'm really glad i did.

^^pretty much how we looked the whole time. only fell off once!

^^soooo fun. also only fell off once.... there's nothing like being thrown into [what feels like] the middle of the ocean to make you swim faster than you ever have before.

until next time, mexico!

Monday, May 12

on wholeness

My intention after writing my last post was to post it and leave it alone. To not talk about it anymore, because as liberating as that felt, I still don't like talking about it so publicly. And it's still a little terrifying to me that I shared it in such a public setting.

But here's the thing, this is my life right now. It consumes my thoughts and most of my conversations. And there's a really big part of me that doesn't ever want to forget what I've gone through, and what I'll continue to go through, to be a mother.

Because amid all the doctor visits, blood draws, pills and injections I give myself on a daily basis, I have a lot of bad days. It's really easy for people on the outside to tell me that I have a lot to be grateful for and I shouldn't focus so much on the bad side to this. But, and I hate that I'm even going to say this, until you've done it, you won't understand. You can't understand, and that's okay. I know I have a lot to be grateful for. This process is incredibly humbling and really makes you think about how blessed you are to even live in a time to make this possible for you, but it's also really, really hard.

Last week I started my third injection and it stung so bad and I cried. I cried less because it hurt and more because I still wish so much that I didn't have to do this. I hadn't seen my husband in 4 days, I'd been trying to manage every-other-day blood draw and ultrasound appointments while still working a full time schedule and starting a really restrictive diet. So I cried, hard. I was angry at the situation I was in, I was anxious to get the ball rolling after a few setbacks, I really missed my husband, I would've killed for a dr pepper, and I cried over all of the above.

And I'm okay with that.

I'm a happy person. Most of the time, I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for this life I've been given and yes, even this trial I'm enduring. Most of my days are still really good ones. Most of the time, I get my blood drawn and stick needles into my stomach and I do it all in stride. But I also have my fair share of really bad, really hard days. My fair share of breakdowns. My fair share of this-isn't-fair.

And I'm okay with that.

Because every emotion I'm feeling, the good, the bad and the ugly are all contributing to this person I'm becoming. Something happened in sacrament meeting yesterday that a year or two ago would have had me rolling my eyes. But instead, I cried because I felt for the person. And maybe right now that's mostly related to the fact that all these pills and injections are completely throwing my emotions and hormones out of whack, but the point is that I think I've become a little softer. A little more understanding. A little more whole.

And I'm okay with that.

Monday, March 24

on hope + faith + infertility

I’ve started this over more times than I can count. Because it’s a sensitive subject. Because its hard for me to talk about. Because I don’t really know how to say what I want to say.

There was this time, probably a year in, that I came across a blog post of a girl I didn’t know. What she said wasn’t significant or detailed. I don’t remember the exact words, but it was something along the lines of trying and missing and trying again, and how it just takes time. And in that moment, those words meant everything to me.

So, here I am. Talking about it even though I try not to. Because I feel like I should. Because of the time I happened across a blog that said the smallest thing that made at least that day better. Because if even one person reads this and knows that it’s more common than people let on, and you’re not alone, and someone understands how hard it is, then this will have been worth it.

Here we go.

I went off birth control in May of 2011 [on Mother’s Day, which I felt would be just the cutest story to tell. Little did I know…]. I knew it would take a while to get it out of my system, so I expected to be pregnant before the end of the year.

Except I wasn’t.

2012 began and I decided that after seven months of feeling defeated, I was going to change my attitude. This was going to be my year! I just knew it. I put it in the back of my mind, and put all my energy into having a positive attitude. I even started exercising regularly for the first time in my life. I was happier, healthier, stronger, more patient, hopeful, just overall better.

And then my sister announced she was pregnant. At the risk of sounding like the most selfish person in the world, that was a very hard day for me. I cried. A lot. Please believe me when I say I was beyond happy for her. But here I was, a year [almost to the day] later, still not pregnant.

It was around this time that Jeremy and I decided to buy a house. It was so wonderfully distracting and I could feel everything falling into place. For both of us, this was like our prefix to having a baby. We’d say things to each other- “now that we have a house, it’ll be perfect!” or “we probably couldn’t have gotten this house if we’d had a baby when we wanted to.” And whether or not either of those things were true, we believed them. Because we needed a reason. Because we needed them to be true. Because we could be hopeful or we could be heartbroken and we’d already spent a lot of time being heartbroken.

We moved in the house on the weekend of our two year anniversary. It left us with four months to make things happen, because remember? 2012 was going to be my year!

Except it wasn’t.

For the sake of TMI, I’ll summarize 2013 and tell you that there were a lot of doctor visits, and lot of hope and a lot of feeling let down. This was definitely not my year, either. As I’ve said before, it was one of the harder years of my life. We spent six months going to my regular OB, and three months meeting with a specialist that we LOVED, only to be told that he left the practice and they would not tell us where he was moving to. The whole year I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster. It was as though my emotions were always right on the surface, ready to expose me at any moment. [And they did many times].

There’s no reason. That’s what they’ve told us, that there’s no reason this shouldn’t work, no reason it hasn’t worked. We fall under the category of “unexplained” infertility, which is incredibly frustrating and a little bit relieving all at the same time. I can’t decide if it’s better to have an answer, because I’m a little bit afraid of what that answer could be.

We’ve felt this whole time that when it happens, the timing will be right. I don’t know that we’ll ever understand the ‘why’ of this trial of ours, but we’ve always had faith that the Lord has a plan for us, even if that faith has wavered at times. Even if I’ve spent a lot of time on my knees asking that very question- Why? Why is this my trial? Why hasn’t it happened yet? How are people getting pregnant on accident when I can’t do it on purpose? Why am I not “trusted with a precious spirit” like everyone who likes to point out that they are? Why, why, why?

And so we’re here, three months into 2014, closing in on three years of this, with a new doctor and a new hope.

There’s something about that word, hope. Something about the way we’ve overused it in the last few years. Hoping each month that this would be the month things would click. Hoping to see that positive mark. Hoping we get our happy ending.

I don’t believe our faith and hope has been in vain. It feels that way sometimes, a lot of the time, but deep down I know that’s not the case. I know our babies will come, just when they’re supposed to. If I’ve learned anything throughout this process, it’s that God knows better. I forget that a lot, but when I remember it’s the most at peace I feel. He knows.

I told Jeremy that part of the reason I felt like I wanted to share this is because I’ve never had anybody that’s been able to say, I get it. I know how you feel, really. But I’m wrong in that, because He knows. He always has known. Even when I didn’t. Even when I still don’t.

We continue to hope. Because we don’t have any other choice. Because it’s better than letting the feelings of defeat overcome you. Because it’s real, and we know that this is really, really, really going to be our year.




Wednesday, March 5

checking 'impromptu road trip' off my bucket list


last week jeremy was in orange county all week for a business trip. he was supposed to come home friday night and right about the time he should've started boarding the plane, he calls me and says there's a mechanical issue and it's delayed a few hours. then a couple hours later, he calls me again and says the flight got canceled altogether.

as he's waiting in line at the airport to figure out how they're going to get him home the next day, i suggested that i just drive to him and we could stay the weekend [because we have a bad track record with mechanical issues on planes]. after a little back and forth trying to figure out if we could actually do it, we decided, why not? the only thing was it was already 7pm and he didn't really want me to drive there by myself at night in the storm.

my sister had come to my house to take me to get my car, and i was like hey, how do you feel about driving with me and you can fly home in the morning?! and she said sure because she's the best! [and she flys free, so that kind of helped].

so off we went! i was so glad she came with me because i got tired pretty quick so i was thankful for the company. we had a lot of laughs and as i was telling jeremy the stories later, i realized that everything we laughed at is not funny to anyone else. but those kind of make for the best times, don't they?

saturday was nice because since we hadn't planned on being there, we didn't really have anything to do. as we were discussing what our options were, this conversation happened: 

that man and his sports, i swear. we decided to make the plan as we went and ended up doing a little shopping, saw a movie [non-stop, which was eh], went to the beach for a minute [it was cold and rainy], and then yes, we went and ate at espn zone that was in downtown disney. i had begged him in the morning to just go to disneyland all day and he wasn't feeling it, so after we ate i made him walk around downtown disney for a bit.

after that we went back to the hotel and watched some tv and just hung out.

since we have completely opposite schedules right now and don't see a whole lot of each other, it was so wonderful to have some time together where nothing could come up because we were out of town. we drove home sunday and had fun talking about the most random things. it was a lot of driving to be there for a day but it was totally worth it!

^^espn zone. halfway through our meal we got a nice little surprise with the ASU game on the big screen!

^^i waited a long time but rachel bilson never showed.

here's to being more spontaneous and a lot more california trips!

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