Monday, March 24

on hope + faith + infertility

I’ve started this over more times than I can count. Because it’s a sensitive subject. Because its hard for me to talk about. Because I don’t really know how to say what I want to say.

There was this time, probably a year in, that I came across a blog post of a girl I didn’t know. What she said wasn’t significant or detailed. I don’t remember the exact words, but it was something along the lines of trying and missing and trying again, and how it just takes time. And in that moment, those words meant everything to me.

So, here I am. Talking about it even though I try not to. Because I feel like I should. Because of the time I happened across a blog that said the smallest thing that made at least that day better. Because if even one person reads this and knows that it’s more common than people let on, and you’re not alone, and someone understands how hard it is, then this will have been worth it.

Here we go.

I went off birth control in May of 2011 [on Mother’s Day, which I felt would be just the cutest story to tell. Little did I know…]. I knew it would take a while to get it out of my system, so I expected to be pregnant before the end of the year.

Except I wasn’t.

2012 began and I decided that after seven months of feeling defeated, I was going to change my attitude. This was going to be my year! I just knew it. I put it in the back of my mind, and put all my energy into having a positive attitude. I even started exercising regularly for the first time in my life. I was happier, healthier, stronger, more patient, hopeful, just overall better.

And then my sister announced she was pregnant. At the risk of sounding like the most selfish person in the world, that was a very hard day for me. I cried. A lot. Please believe me when I say I was beyond happy for her. But here I was, a year [almost to the day] later, still not pregnant.

It was around this time that Jeremy and I decided to buy a house. It was so wonderfully distracting and I could feel everything falling into place. For both of us, this was like our prefix to having a baby. We’d say things to each other- “now that we have a house, it’ll be perfect!” or “we probably couldn’t have gotten this house if we’d had a baby when we wanted to.” And whether or not either of those things were true, we believed them. Because we needed a reason. Because we needed them to be true. Because we could be hopeful or we could be heartbroken and we’d already spent a lot of time being heartbroken.

We moved in the house on the weekend of our two year anniversary. It left us with four months to make things happen, because remember? 2012 was going to be my year!

Except it wasn’t.

For the sake of TMI, I’ll summarize 2013 and tell you that there were a lot of doctor visits, and lot of hope and a lot of feeling let down. This was definitely not my year, either. As I’ve said before, it was one of the harder years of my life. We spent six months going to my regular OB, and three months meeting with a specialist that we LOVED, only to be told that he left the practice and they would not tell us where he was moving to. The whole year I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster. It was as though my emotions were always right on the surface, ready to expose me at any moment. [And they did many times].

There’s no reason. That’s what they’ve told us, that there’s no reason this shouldn’t work, no reason it hasn’t worked. We fall under the category of “unexplained” infertility, which is incredibly frustrating and a little bit relieving all at the same time. I can’t decide if it’s better to have an answer, because I’m a little bit afraid of what that answer could be.

We’ve felt this whole time that when it happens, the timing will be right. I don’t know that we’ll ever understand the ‘why’ of this trial of ours, but we’ve always had faith that the Lord has a plan for us, even if that faith has wavered at times. Even if I’ve spent a lot of time on my knees asking that very question- Why? Why is this my trial? Why hasn’t it happened yet? How are people getting pregnant on accident when I can’t do it on purpose? Why am I not “trusted with a precious spirit” like everyone who likes to point out that they are? Why, why, why?

And so we’re here, three months into 2014, closing in on three years of this, with a new doctor and a new hope.

There’s something about that word, hope. Something about the way we’ve overused it in the last few years. Hoping each month that this would be the month things would click. Hoping to see that positive mark. Hoping we get our happy ending.

I don’t believe our faith and hope has been in vain. It feels that way sometimes, a lot of the time, but deep down I know that’s not the case. I know our babies will come, just when they’re supposed to. If I’ve learned anything throughout this process, it’s that God knows better. I forget that a lot, but when I remember it’s the most at peace I feel. He knows.

I told Jeremy that part of the reason I felt like I wanted to share this is because I’ve never had anybody that’s been able to say, I get it. I know how you feel, really. But I’m wrong in that, because He knows. He always has known. Even when I didn’t. Even when I still don’t.

We continue to hope. Because we don’t have any other choice. Because it’s better than letting the feelings of defeat overcome you. Because it’s real, and we know that this is really, really, really going to be our year.




Wednesday, March 5

checking 'impromptu road trip' off my bucket list


last week jeremy was in orange county all week for a business trip. he was supposed to come home friday night and right about the time he should've started boarding the plane, he calls me and says there's a mechanical issue and it's delayed a few hours. then a couple hours later, he calls me again and says the flight got canceled altogether.

as he's waiting in line at the airport to figure out how they're going to get him home the next day, i suggested that i just drive to him and we could stay the weekend [because we have a bad track record with mechanical issues on planes]. after a little back and forth trying to figure out if we could actually do it, we decided, why not? the only thing was it was already 7pm and he didn't really want me to drive there by myself at night in the storm.

my sister had come to my house to take me to get my car, and i was like hey, how do you feel about driving with me and you can fly home in the morning?! and she said sure because she's the best! [and she flys free, so that kind of helped].

so off we went! i was so glad she came with me because i got tired pretty quick so i was thankful for the company. we had a lot of laughs and as i was telling jeremy the stories later, i realized that everything we laughed at is not funny to anyone else. but those kind of make for the best times, don't they?

saturday was nice because since we hadn't planned on being there, we didn't really have anything to do. as we were discussing what our options were, this conversation happened: 

that man and his sports, i swear. we decided to make the plan as we went and ended up doing a little shopping, saw a movie [non-stop, which was eh], went to the beach for a minute [it was cold and rainy], and then yes, we went and ate at espn zone that was in downtown disney. i had begged him in the morning to just go to disneyland all day and he wasn't feeling it, so after we ate i made him walk around downtown disney for a bit.

after that we went back to the hotel and watched some tv and just hung out.

since we have completely opposite schedules right now and don't see a whole lot of each other, it was so wonderful to have some time together where nothing could come up because we were out of town. we drove home sunday and had fun talking about the most random things. it was a lot of driving to be there for a day but it was totally worth it!

^^espn zone. halfway through our meal we got a nice little surprise with the ASU game on the big screen!

^^i waited a long time but rachel bilson never showed.

here's to being more spontaneous and a lot more california trips!


Monday, February 10

on believing in change

"I am a person who believes in change. Personal change. On every level I believe in it—on an intellectual level and an emotional level and a cellular level. I am not the person I was eight years ago. Nor six years. Not five nor three. I’m barely the person I was a month ago, which isn’t quite true, but is true enough. And hell if I haven’t seen some of the very best people I know change—watched as they’ve struggled and stumbled and grown in the shadows of the low-hanging-trees-of-heartache. And in the space of who they once were and who they are now is a story of tremendous resilience and desire—a story of what lies-on-the-other-side—a story of what it is to be human, which isn’t an altogether easy endeavor, but a really worthy one." (quote via)

i spent some time the other night going through old emails. emails from four, five, and six years ago, when jeremy was in russia and i was here. part of me loves that we have all of those emails, but the other part is a little sad that some of those emails will probably never be shared with our kids.

why? because we spent two years some 6000+ miles apart from each other, with once-a-week-emails and letters-that-took-too-long-to-arrive as our only means of communication. he left two days after my 18th birthday, and so those two years spent apart were during a really important time in one's life. a time when you're trying to be an adult even though you still feel like a kid, but dang it if you're not going to do whatever you want whenever you want, because you're an adult and you can (me). a time when you experience huge culture shock and are suddenly living in a country where you don't really know the language and the sun doesn't come out and people aren't that nice (him).

we changed. both of us. and there was a very short time during those two years that things weren't really clicking. because we were growing up but not really growing together. and it's impossible to have a conversation when it takes over a month to get through it. and even though we were growing up, we were still really, really immature. because we were somewhere between eighteen and twenty years old. in different countries. doing different things. trying to figure out life.

this is all to say that i had a moment while i was reading those emails. it was surreal to have the same exact emotions (the good and bad*) come over me as i read our relationship. but this moment i had, reading these emails from a crucial time in my life, i felt grateful that we are where we are. that we figured out how to start growing up, together.

and how lucky we are that we have record of our story. our story of tremendous resilience and desire, our story of what it is to be human. because of course we were going to change, it would have been more worrisome if we didn't. when he left we were kids and when he came back we were probably still kids, but we were a lot closer to where we needed to be. a lot closer to the thing that is adulthood. and the best part of all of it, is that i say we. for the past seven and a half years, it's been we, and us, and our. that part never changed.

it has always been us.

*this makes it sound as though there was a lot of bad, and i feel i need to say that there wasn't. there was a whole lot more good. but if our kids ever do really want to read that part of our life, some of those emails are mysteriously going to disappear ;)

Thursday, January 30

january recap

to recap the last month: i'm not drinking a whole lot more water, but i've definitely cut down on the soda [at least the caffeinated kind, which was my point]. sewing machine? still sitting out where i left it the last time i used it. i guess i should have added "organize craft room" to that list of mine, because i cringe when i go in there. i probably use my cell phone the same amount at work, but have tried to make it a point to not be on it as much at home or when i'm at my parents/in-laws. pictures? ha ha. note to self: clear storage on phone. no vacations for this girl yet, but jeremy's already been to denver and has three california trips in the next three months [for work, and i hate it], but the plan for now is for me to come on the last one with him! still no baby [give me a break, it's been a month!] while what i said earlier about the craft room may prove otherwise, i did re-organize my kitchen and it feels oh, so good. service? i just had a panic moment that i had nothing to update in the service department, but then i remembered we took dinner to our neighbors that just have baby number five. doesn't feel so much like service though since we love them and their kids! but i'll count it:) haven't started Jesus the Christ YET, because i don't want to get into it until i finish the BOM. working on it! haven't played the piano once, but i have an excuse for that.* we got our temple trip in for january, and took some friends to the gilbert temple open house. i am sooo excited for that to be open! um, i guess this is me documenting our lives. and as for being a better everything, i'd like to think i'm improving, but you'll have to ask my husband/parents/siblings/friends. or maybe just ask my niece because it was just her birthday and she was pretty stoked about the candy i gave her, so i think she'd give me two thumbs up;)

^at the new Gilbert Temple! iphone pic, sorry. it's the only one i have for the month!^

as for being teachable, i'm working on that too. i don't really know that i can document it, but i'm trying. it's funny though, because at church the first or second sunday of the year, the sunday school teacher talked about being teachable, so i feel like i made a good choice with that one. 

jeremy started his new job at the beginning of the month and he loves it so far! the downside at the moment is that his schedule requires him to wake up at one in the morning [it's temporary, thank goodness!]. but because of that, he goes to bed around six. i leave work between six and seven. see where i'm going here? i honestly shouldn't complain because i know there are so many people who have these types of opposite schedules that are much more permanent than ours, but it's hard to just completely miss each other like that. we can't even really talk much during the day because we're both working, so there are some texts exchanged along with a ten minute phone call. but we really are grateful for this new opportunity and we only have to do this through april [when this portion of his training ends and tax season ends for me] so we're happy about that too! *this explains why i can't play the piano, he's always sleeping when i'm home!

other than that, not too much is going on. life is going to be pretty boring for the next couple months so i guess that's going to mess up my "document our lives better" resolution. because who wants to hear about the amount of dr pepper tax season makes me consume?

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