Wednesday, August 13

maybe i'm being too hard on myself

My sister met up with friends recently. Friends she hadn't seen for a while. As they greeted each other, she received a lot of compliments on her hair, clothes and tiny frame. As she told me the story she said, "It got me thinking- maybe I'm being too hard on myself."

And that got me thinking. 

Maybe we're all being too hard on ourselves. 

I have a friend who I admire. A friend I've looked up to since the day I met her. In a conversation between Jeremy and I a while back, he asked me to name three people I want to be like, and hers was the first name out of my mouth. While talking to her one day, she told me a list of things she'd been struggling with. A list of insecurities about her role as a wife, mother, daughter, friend. I honestly couldn't believe what I was hearing. This girl walked on water! There was no way she had issues similar to mine. No way her life was anything but perfect.

But that was my first problem. Believing that her life was perfect was my first and biggest problem.

Remember when I said I have a love/hate relationship with Pinterest? I guess I should have rephrased that to say all social media. Because the thing about social media is that you see what people want you to see. So all those pictures that are posted with perfect captions of perfectly dressed kids, in perfectly decorated, spotless houses, that belong to perfect looking couples who go on perfect dates and perfect vacations are there because that's how most people want to be perceived. Most people aren't going to show you when their house is a disaster, or when date night is spent on the couch with a greasy top knot and no makeup, or when they're three seconds away from ripping their hair out because that perfectly dressed kid of theirs just won't. stop. crying.

I've had to learn that perfect doesn't exist. And whether people post the things they do for fear of being judged, or because they just prefer to keep certain things private, or because they don't want to be negative doesn't really matter. What matters is that we have to remember that perfect isn't a thing, at least not as long as we're human.

Earlier this week I got the sweetest text from a friend who admitted that she's looked at my life and thought, "man she really does have it all." Umm, what? Me? Like, hot mess me? Can't keep my house clean, doesn't cook as often as she should, watches way too much tv, pushes the limits on how many days a person should go without washing their hair me?

That's the thing though. She was looking at my life admirably while I was doing the same thing back to her. Which takes me to the whole point of this.

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself.

Maybe I need to stop focusing on what I don't have, and start being more appreciative of what I do have. Maybe my house looks fine in all its everything-is-from-Ikea-or-Target glory. Maybe I don't need nicer sunglasses, because I always lose them anyway. Maybe it's okay that I can't justify spending money on extensions because my hair seems to manage without them. Maybe my future kids won't win any awards for best dressed, but maybe that doesn't matter because once I have them, they'll be mine and they'll be Jeremy's and after all we will have been through to get them here, what they're wearing just can't be that important.

Maybe my life is wonderful just the way it is.

Maybe I need to stop comparing myself to others.

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself.

***This post was featured on Striving Onward

Monday, August 11

justin timberlake forever

over the weekend my mom, sisters and i went to vegas to see justin timberlake in concert. [my sisters and i were the only ones to attend the concert, my mom played grandma to my two month old niece at the hotel].

if you know anything about me, you know that i was obsessed with nsync as a kid. i'm actually surprised it took me this long to see him.

and seriously? it was a blast. the guy is amazing.
 ^getting ready.

 ^before the show started.

 ^yeah, blurry. but i tried so many times to get the picture when that was on the screen that i couldn't not include it.

 ^pano of when he told everyone to turn on the flashlight on their phones.

^les go girlz

 ^the only picture we got with a real camera before the battery died. oops.

^bad zoomed in iphone pics, but his stage moved so i snapped these while he was in front of us

^two fingers in the air because JT told us to.

^angel baby! seriously i don't think i heard her cry once.

^matching with your sisters is still cool when you're in your 20's right?

the day after the concert we went to the m&m store and the coca-cola store before flying home. at the coke store we tasted coke from around the world, and believe me when i tell you that america has the best tasting coke. count your blessings, people.

we all had such a good time that i think we'll have to start doing yearly girl trips ;)

Monday, July 21

mexico 2.0

^^best idea ever

^^until your husband says, "you ready?!" and before you can ask what for, he shoves you into a wave and you crash. and yes, all i could think of was to plug my nose. and with how much sand got EVERYWHERE, i'm really glad i did.

^^pretty much how we looked the whole time. only fell off once!

^^soooo fun. also only fell off once.... there's nothing like being thrown into [what feels like] the middle of the ocean to make you swim faster than you ever have before.

until next time, mexico!

Monday, May 12

on wholeness

My intention after writing my last post was to post it and leave it alone. To not talk about it anymore, because as liberating as that felt, I still don't like talking about it so publicly. And it's still a little terrifying to me that I shared it in such a public setting.

But here's the thing, this is my life right now. It consumes my thoughts and most of my conversations. And there's a really big part of me that doesn't ever want to forget what I've gone through, and what I'll continue to go through, to be a mother.

Because amid all the doctor visits, blood draws, pills and injections I give myself on a daily basis, I have a lot of bad days. It's really easy for people on the outside to tell me that I have a lot to be grateful for and I shouldn't focus so much on the bad side to this. But, and I hate that I'm even going to say this, until you've done it, you won't understand. You can't understand, and that's okay. I know I have a lot to be grateful for. This process is incredibly humbling and really makes you think about how blessed you are to even live in a time to make this possible for you, but it's also really, really hard.

Last week I started my third injection and it stung so bad and I cried. I cried less because it hurt and more because I still wish so much that I didn't have to do this. I hadn't seen my husband in 4 days, I'd been trying to manage every-other-day blood draw and ultrasound appointments while still working a full time schedule and starting a really restrictive diet. So I cried, hard. I was angry at the situation I was in, I was anxious to get the ball rolling after a few setbacks, I really missed my husband, I would've killed for a dr pepper, and I cried over all of the above.

And I'm okay with that.

I'm a happy person. Most of the time, I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for this life I've been given and yes, even this trial I'm enduring. Most of my days are still really good ones. Most of the time, I get my blood drawn and stick needles into my stomach and I do it all in stride. But I also have my fair share of really bad, really hard days. My fair share of breakdowns. My fair share of this-isn't-fair.

And I'm okay with that.

Because every emotion I'm feeling, the good, the bad and the ugly are all contributing to this person I'm becoming. Something happened in sacrament meeting yesterday that a year or two ago would have had me rolling my eyes. But instead, I cried because I felt for the person. And maybe right now that's mostly related to the fact that all these pills and injections are completely throwing my emotions and hormones out of whack, but the point is that I think I've become a little softer. A little more understanding. A little more whole.

And I'm okay with that.
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